Monieca enjoys gifts. She likes giving them and receiving them. Especially on special days – you know, holidays, birthdays, etc. The challenge is that she’s married to a man who isn’t into gifts nearly as much as she is. For a gift to move me it has to have real sentimental or personal value or be something practical I really need or want. Otherwise I’d rather just be with my family and enjoy my favorite meal on my birthday. I usually tell her I don’t want a gift and I actually mean it.

For several years this “difference” in our attitudes about gifts caused occasional conflicts and hurt feelings. Usually it was my fault. I just didn’t understand why gifts meant so much to her. It’s not that I ignored her on those special days. I showed her love, but I did it in ways that seemed natural to me. That was the problem – I was doing what was natural to me instead of understanding what made her “feel” loved.

A lot of couples struggle with this issue, even if they can’t exactly put it into words. Over time a marriage suffers if each partner does not learn to show love to their spouse in a way that makes their spouse actually feel loved. Good intentions are not enough.

Dr. Gary Chapman describes it like two people speaking entirely different languages. Thus they don’t hear it when the other one is trying to say “I love you.”

Dr. Chapman says each person has ways he or she expresses and experiences love. These “love languages” are natural to us and we speak them easily. The problem arises when our spouse speaks a completely different language. That is exactly what was happening with Monieca and me.

Dr. Chapman identifies five love languages:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch

Monieca’s primary love languages are 2 and 3, while mine are 1, 4, and 5. That explains why it really didn’t matter much to me whether I got a gift on my birthday or not – I’d rather she cook my favorite dinner. It also explains why a gift spoke to her heart more than some of the other ways I tried to show her my love. I was speaking my language and she was speaking her language.

Eventually we learned to speak to one another in the “love languages” that made the other one actually “feel” loved. As a result, we seldom experience the conflict and hurt feelings of those early days.

Learning what makes your spouse “feel” loved is essential to protecting your marriage. If you don’t learn to say “I love you” in a way your spouse will actually hear it, over time serious damage will be done to the emotional connection between the two of you.

If you have accepted God’s philosophy for marriage – that the “we” takes precedence over the “me” – you will make the effort to understand how your spouse needs you to express your love for her or him. Saying this is how I am and I’m not going to change is pride, one of the enemies of marriage we talked about this past Sunday.

Besides – the reward for learning how to better love your spouse is definitely worth it.

Pastor Steve Hogg